How to Support Your Teen with Social Anxiety as they Prepare to Return to School In-Person
The best thing you can do for your teen is be there for them, however they need you to be.
Is your teen experiencing increased social anxiety as they anticipate the upcoming school year? Many teens missed important social development experiences as a result of school closures during the COVID-19 pandemic. Teens with social anxiety missed opportunities to be exposed to the social interactions that they fear (Morrissette, 2021), which means that their social anxiety may have worsened during the COVID-19 pandemic.
Teenagers with social anxiety may be experiencing thoughts about returning to school that seem unfounded. This is the very nature of social anxiety, so don’t be surprised. As a parent, it’s hard to watch your teen worry about returning to school. Maybe you are hoping you can solve your teen’s social anxiety? Solutions are often the place where parents automatically go when they see their children experiencing distress, which makes sense! No parent ever wants to see their child hurting. However, sometimes offering solutions right off the bat might make your teen feel like no one understands them, or like their feelings are problems that need fixing (which can send the message that they are a burden). Before offering solutions, it is important to show your teen that you’re there to support them. The best way to do this is by offering them a listening ear, validating them, and doing your best to empathize with them. Remember that validation doesn’t mean you agree or that your teen’s worries are “right.” It just means you are acknowledging the realness of their feelings to them and showing them that you see and hear them. Maybe this means listening, and maybe it means finding solutions together. You won’t know until you ask your teen.
Follow these 6 questions that mirror guidelines from the Gottman Institute on what to ask before offering solutions. These questions will help your teen feel supported and seen as they navigate through this anxiety-inducing experience, and it will give you the opportunity to help them find solutions.
Question #1: “How are you feeling about going back to school in-person this fall?”
Listen with openness and use empathy as your teen shares. If your teen isn’t ready to share, don’t push them to do so – You will show them that they can trust you to honor their readiness or their boundaries. Just gently remind your teen that you will be there for them and ready to listen if they do want to share. Check out this video by Dr Brené Brown on how to use empathy.
Question #2: “For you, what is the most upsetting or scariest part about going back to school in-person this fall?”
. Tune in to the emotions and experiences they are expressing under their words, and reflect them back like a mirror. It’s okay if you label an emotion for your teen and they disagree with the label – That just helps them narrow down what it is they are really feeling. You can say things like, “That sounds really scary,” “I can see how worried you are,” “You are really afraid that xyz might happen,” “This is really stressful for you,” “I’m hearing you say you’re feeling… and that makes sense,” etc. Don’t judge their emotions or fears or try to talk them out of their negative thoughts. Just validate them which helps them feel heard and understood.
Question #3: “What’s the worst thing that could happen when you go back to school in-person this fall?”
This question might feel counterproductive because you are inviting your teen to think about the worst possible outcome, which might feel like it would be unhelpful because it could increase their anxiety. The truth is that your teen has probably already thought about this worst-case scenario. You are showing them you can help them think about their biggest worries and problem-solve them in advance.
Question #4: “What do you think you need to feel supported when you go back to school? What can I do to help?”
Trust that your teen knows what they need. If they ultimately discover they were wrong about their needs, it will be a good learning experience for them to better understand what they need from others. Either way, you’re showing them that you trust them to figure this out, and that you will be there for them however they need you to be.
Question #5: “What ideas do you have about how to navigate this?”
Don’t criticize or offer suggestions as they share their ideas. And don’t be surprised if they don’t have any ideas yet – This just means they might not be ready for solutions yet and need more time to process or share feelings and thoughts.
Question #6: “Would you like to hear my ideas about how to handle this?”
The catch: You have to accept it if your teen says, “No.” Remind yourself that you are supporting what they need, and showing them that you trust them to handle this.
If your teen’s social anxiety is unmanageable for them or taking a toll on their life, it might be time to seek professional help. Crossroads Family Counseling Center can help. We provide in person and virtual telehealth.
Citations:
Morrissette, M. (2021). School closures and social anxiety during the COVID-19 pandemic. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 60(1), 6.
Brené Brown on Empathy, 2013. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw&ab_channel=RSA
About the Author:
Abby O’Leary has a BA in psychology and family science with a minor in human development from the University of Maryland, College Park. She is currently an intern with The Heart Leaf Center and is working towards her Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy at Virginia Tech. She provides services to children, adolescents, adults, couples, and families and works with a variety of concerns including self-esteem, emotion regulation, depression, anxiety, grief, adjustment, parenting challenges, and relationship challenges.