How to Talk to Children About School Violence
Due to the recent and horribly tragic event in Uvalde, we have pulled a post from our archive and updated it with some helpful information on how to talk with your child about gun violence, and concerns around safety at school.
Acts of violence that occur in schools can cause confusion and fear in children who may begin to worry about their own safety in addition to the safety of their friends and family. As a parent, you may be scared for your own kids’ safety. While we are all feeling scared and unsure, we have to remember that our kids will look to us, as adults, for answers to difficult questions like, “Why would someone do something like this?” and “How can I be sure that I am safe?”
Although it is hard to talk about this topic, it is important for parents to answer these difficult questions honestly and to have an open discussion with their children. Our kids – now more than ever – are talking about societal issues every day, so it is critical for a parent to provide a space for them to express their feelings and worries.
Make sure you focus on the impact that the event has on the child instead of the specific details of the event. Providing this space is the perfect opportunity for parents to validate the child’s feelings and to provide reassurance that they are safe. It is important to remember that timing is key when having these discussions, specifically avoiding at or right before bedtime as this could lead to increased anxiety impacting their sleep schedule.
Always be sure that your explanations are developmentally appropriate!
Early elementary school
Our littles will be focused on how this impacts them; worrying if they are safe. Be sure to keep the information simple and short – provide them with just enough information. If they have questions, they will ask them and you can answer honestly. If you feel that you don’t know how to answer the question, you can simply say that. The big key point here is reassurance. Balance your responses with reassurances that their school and home are safe because of the adults there to protect them. Provide them with specific examples about their own school’s safety procedures, like locked exterior doors, emergency drills, and teachers monitoring children while outside.
Upper elementary and early middle school
Be prepared, as these age groups will ask more questions about what happened and how they are safe and what their school is doing to ensure their safety. Be honest with your kids, but you don’t have to give them every detail unless asked. Create a discussion around the efforts of their school and the surrounding community.
Upper middle and high school
These age groups will have strong opinions about violence and what they believe are the causes. Create an open space where they can come to you with questions or concerns; so, ask them how they feel and what they are talking about with their friends around this topic. They will most likely want to share their thoughts on how to make schools safer. Be sure to create an accepting space where they are free to share their thoughts, feelings, and suggestions. You can remind them of the role they can play in ensuring their school is safe (e.g., not providing building access to strangers, reporting strangers on campus, reporting threats made to the school or students by other students or community members). Encourage your teen to continue communicating their needs and issues of safety with you.
Here are some tips that you may find helpful when having these discussions with your own child:
- Provide a space where your child can talk about their concerns and express their feelings. You may have to initiate a conversation or prompt your child by asking if they feel safe at school.
- Don’t be afraid to express your own feelings regarding school violence. This helps your child realize that they are not the only ones with fears.
- Validate your child’s feelings. Never minimize your child’s concerns but provide reassurance by reminding them of the safety protocols their school has in place.
- Limit television viewing of violent events. Developmentally inappropriate information can cause more anxiety or confusion, especially in younger children. You should also need to be mindful of the conversations about these events you have in front of your child, even your teenager.
- Create safety plans with your child. Help identify which adults your child can talk to at school if they feel threatened. Make sure your child knows how to reach you (or another family member or friend) in case of crisis during the school day.
- Keep the conversation ongoing. Make school safety a common topic in family discussions rather than just a response to an immediate crisis. An open dialogue will encourage your child to share their concerns.
If you become aware that your child is becoming more easily upset, is unable to fall or stay asleep, is having nightmares, or is experiencing high levels of anxiety, contact Crossroads Family Counseling Center, LLC for an evaluation.
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About the Author: Paige Frasso, M.S. is a Resident in Marriage and Family Therapy. She specializes in working work with a variety of clients including children, teenagers, parents, individual adults, couples, and families. Paige is also a Certified Positive Discipline Parent Educator having expertise to help parents with challenging behaviors and struggles with their children. Paige completed her Master of Science in Marriage and Family Therapy at Virginia Tech University. She also is a graduate from Wofford College with a B.S. in Psychology and a minor in Philosophy.